


Won't Be Alone Again (Yes I Will)

by zoeleigh



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Band, Friendship, Implied/Referenced Panic Attacks, Implied/Referenced Self Harm, Late at Night, M/M, Unresolved Angst, angst/no comfort, loss of friendship, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-12
Updated: 2017-06-12
Packaged: 2018-11-13 08:35:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11181018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zoeleigh/pseuds/zoeleigh
Summary: Tyler likes looking to the stars late at night when his thoughts become to much and Josh fills his mind.





	Won't Be Alone Again (Yes I Will)

**Author's Note:**

> title taken from sick of losing soulmates by dodie

Sometimes, when it’s really late at night and it feels like you’re the only one awake, I crawl out of bed and stare at the sky. I don’t know why, maybe I’m searching, maybe it makes me feel less alone. Whatever it is, it helps subside the thoughts running rampant through my mind, leaving me with only tears. I don’t think it matters what I do to calm those, I guess I can’t trick my brain into thinking that everything is okay. I’m still stuck with the hot tears falling down my face, even if I can’t remember why.

And of course, that’s where I am tonight. Sleep never came when I lied down in bed, so instead I opened up the pandora’s box of my head and let it all tumble out. I turned on my bedside lamp and turned my journal to the next empty page and scribbled poem after poem in an attempt to get the thoughts gone for the night, but when it didn’t work I clicked the light off and scrambled to my window sill to stare at the night sky.

Now I sit here and am trying, with every fibre of my being, to shut out everything I let out. But I can’t. Tonight it’s not working. Honestly, it never works, I just like to think it does.

The star of the “why do I want to die today show” tonight is, of course, Josh. 

He’s the best friend I’ve had for years, or in better words, did have. Whatever friendship we had is gone, it dissipated a few months back. Even before then it was pretty shotty. We’d only have short conversations in the form of texts. The two of us went to different high schools and we lost it. We lost everything special we ever had. 

And it kills me. It kills me so much inside. There’s poem after poem written down in my notebook with the topic of Josh. I miss him so much, I miss his jokes and his reassurances. I miss the way his voice cracked sometimes and all our late night conversations after we were supposed to be asleep. I just miss him.

I keep trying to talk, to bring back what we had, but he’s long gone and so is my smile. Josh was the last thing keeping me even somewhat happy, no one else dared touch the depressed, anxious kid who always sat in the back and anxiously tapped at something. Josh was different. Yes, he met me earlier before my brain became the mess it is now, but then he stuck with me after it became this. He would calm me down from panic attacks and hug me as tight as I needed when I wanted to cut. But now, there’s no one to do that and the lines on my arm have grown so much. 

I wonder sometimes, if it’s something I did. Did Josh finally give up on me? Was there something I said? Something I did? I mean, why else would he leave? I guess, he maybe just had enough of me. Enough of my constant problems and issues. Or maybe he just grew up and moved on from the friend he made in 4th grade. I just wish he knew, I would do anything to have that friend back.

 

My gaze drifts across the sky, trying to find the brightest star or a constellation. Except I don’t really know any, Josh does though. If Josh was here, he’d point out each constellation and tell me stories about them all. But he’s not here, and I don’t think he ever will be again.

I wonder what he’s doing right now. It’s probably sometime after midnight, be he never sleeps. That might be his only problem. But at least when his body won’t rest his mind doesn’t throw every bad thing at him, unlike mine. Maybe he’s listening to music or watching a TV show. Maybe he’s thinking of me too, how unlikely though that would be. I’ve given up on entertaining the idea that maybe he misses me too. If he did, he’d probably respond to a text message every once and a while.

I have made new friends since he left. There’s one guy who sat next to me in class by choice and he’s the closest thing I’ve got to a best friend. It’s just, he doesn’t fill up the hole left behind by Josh. I don’t think the Josh sized hole in my heart can be filled by anyone else. I can only distract myself temporarily from the pain it’s left. Distract the pain with more pain, just different. The amount of times I end up on the cold bathroom floor as opposed to the numb floor in front of my window is too much to count. It takes such a fight to not end up there every night. At least some nights my thoughts are occupied by someone other than Josh, I can’t say those times are any kinder though. 

 

Crying. I’m still crying. An hour looking up at the black sky and yet tears still roll down my face. Memories of all the things we’ve done together and all the plans we had for the future haunt my mind like a ghost. 

I remember how we used to sit in a classroom and play stupid games together on the computer. Or how we’d try and come up with the best insult for the other, usually Josh would win. I remember the times we’d walk home from school together and laugh the whole time. And how we used to stay on the phone till 3 a.m. talking about anything under the sun. Or the way we’d always be on the same page and if we weren’t, then the stupid fights we’d have trying to figure out who was right. 

I remember the plans we used to have, how we were going to start a band and move to L.A. together after high school. We’d save up for an apartment and get jobs as soon as we got there to keep paying rent. We were going to have a life completely independent of everyone else and dependent on each other. Except now that’s long gone. Just like everything else. 

I know it doesn’t help to dwell on what was and what could be, God do I know. But for some reason, my brain can’t seem to let it go. I relive memories and replay scenarios all the time. My mind is like a record player stuck on the same vinyl for all eternity. It’s not broken, I just can’t change what I listen to. All that’s there is Josh and every bad thought I could possibly have about anything. The only thing that can sometimes halt the record is when I play my own music; I never really gave up on the idea of that band.

No matter what I do though, I can’t get Josh out of my head. 

I’ve thought out so many times in so many different ways what I would say to him if I could. I’ve thought about a letter, pages long with everything. Everything I miss, everything I wish we still had. Everything. I’ve thought about the conversation where I break down in tears and try to squeak out words to explain how I feel. I’ve thought about all the poems I could send and all the songs I could write, that I do write. I think about sending them to him. I think about how to fix this unfixable thing. 

I think that maybe if I think hard enough, I’ll think us back together. 

Our friendship was so vital to keeping me grounded. When he set off drifting away from the island I was stuck on, it felt like every predator there jumped on the idea of someone who was no longer even remotely okay. And because of that, I’m always drowning in the sea and always burning on the top of a hill. 

 

A hint of orange is peaking through the trees in my line of sight. I’ve cried through the night and into the morning. I never really do that, eventually my brain tires out from pushing around my thoughts for hours on end, but tonight was numb. Numbness always leads to sleeplessness and scratches on my skin. This time the space on my bare leg is covered in broken skin and my nails are caked with ripped flesh. 

Slowly I push myself up from the ground where I’ve been all night and stumble back over to my bed to crawl under the covers and drift in and out of consciousness till school.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm sorry this is trash, it's a vent fic and i wrote it in like an hour and then didn't proof read (which i'll probably kick myself for later) 
> 
> thanks for reading though :)


End file.
